Are you hoping to improve your parenting in the new year? You are not alone momma. I am sure many moms take stock of how they can have more productive parenting goals while remaining sane.
If you are like me taking care of oneself has never been considered as a parenting goal. My 2020 goals consisted more or less of scheduling social interactions with my toddlers peers and scoping out new experiences to support their development. I was adamant about finding amazing resources for teaching my early learners. They are my everything and their growth excites me. Many obstacles, however, got in the way of achieving these goals. Nevertheless, we made valid efforts. In my reflection of last years goals I recognize I neglected my own goals. In fact, my goals were never set to begin with. Oops!
As a result, I spent the year as a mummy and not a mommy. At least this is how I experienced myself, functioning but not really present. The way we function as mommas effects everything and everyone. My children will always be a priority, however, I must also put myself first in order for my children to experience the best me possible. After all in order to teach my children personal care I must master it to some degree…right?
As we take on this year with a big bang mommas lets make us a priority. Lets see how we can make a new normal for our selves despite the obstacles that are bound to come.
Parenting Goals 101: You Come First Momma
How many of you feel guilt when you have to get that shower for the day but meals have to be made, laundry has to be done, and school lessons have to begin. As a result that shower is pushed to the end of day when absolute exhaustion sets in. You might be setting yourself up for a terrible pattern that only results in Momma Blues.
Has anyone ever heard the phrase ‘make sure you put yourself first’ or ‘take care of you first’. I’ve always thought that was selfish thinking until this very moment. I have gone a whole year, maybe two, of taking care of a husband and kids and never considering myself. My husband has even mentioned the infamous phrase ‘take care of yourself’. I’ve always rolled my eyes when hearing this because I thought he has no clue what it takes to run this household and the parts that undoubtedly would crumble if I were not present to take care of everything and everyone.
Yeah I know it sounds a bit controlling but that is probably because it is.
As I now reflect I see that the the world will not come crashing down if my husband cleans the kitchen in his own manly way or he dresses the kids with mismatched everything. I have learned it is OKAY. Everything does not have to be done to your standard every time so long as they are done.
Why is this important?
Well because you are not super woman and you need a break some times too. You are a regular human being with needs, wants, desires, and goals. You undoubtedly will experience ‘momma blues’ if you neglect your own personal needs. Your mind and body will tell you if you have neglected yourself. If you are wise enough to listen you can shift out of this state of being and be the best you for your children and family. So, here is the permission you need to take time for you.
Putting You First Looks Like This….
So if you are like me running after two toddlers you understand cleaning around the clock, frustration with toddler spitting drink across the table, the effects of a disrupted routine, needing a variety of activity options at your finger tips, and the importance of nap time. Taking care of your needs can help you address these areas in a calm and loving manner. Keep in mind toddlers are unpredictable human things so this may look slightly different for you. Be willing to go with the flow and adjust with the wave that your toddler takes you through.
SLEEP
Do I really need to tell you how and why sleep is important. Okay if you insist. Sleep deprivation makes us irritable and moody. It impairs the brains ability to function to its maximum capacity impeding functions of memory and decision making. Keep going? Okay…did you know sleep reduces stress and makes you more alert. Sleep deprivation can impair the function of the immune system and lead to you getting sick. Who has time for that?
This is just a small list of how sleep effects your daily functioning. Now, please consider what a lack of sleep looks like for you while going through a day with your small children.
If you can’t imagine this I will be the guinea pig. My children are on a schedule which is a very good thing but can also feel like a bad if I am sluggishly moving through my morning because of lack of sleep. I am naturally a night owl so when morning hits my children expect and will demand food. When I am rested I am perky and ready to make that healthy and well balanced meal. However, when I am sleep deprived I am grabbing whatever I can in order to get through the meal. This does not happen often but graham crackers and apple sauce is not what anyone would call a balanced breakfast. I know…I know.
This is just an example of how this shows up in your life. Imagine what this looks like to your children who often see you up and motivated and then sluggish and boring on your sleepy days.
You will have these days mommas, don’t get me wrong. Again, we are not super humans. However, minimizing these days with appropriate rest can make a big difference for your health and overall functioning.
TAKE A DEEP BREATH
I work with my children on taking deep cleansing breaths when they experience big emotions. It is a great distraction but more than that it is meant to reverse those fight or flight responses. My son has on occasion instructed me to take a deep breath when he believes me to be getting frustrated. Of course, me being stern is interpreted as anger or frustration to him. It is kind of funny when he offers me this recommendation and I graciously thank him.
Nevertheless, I am glad that he has an awareness of how to cope with strong emotions and situations.
Taking deep breaths can help you regulate your autonomic nervous system. This system controls involuntary actions like heart rate and digestion. This system also controls your fight or flight response and your rest and relax response.
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I taught a lesson in therapy on feeding the beast you want to grow. This basically means when you are in a heightened emotional state you can either use deep breathing to activate the rest and relax response or continue to huff and puff with quick and uncontrolled breaths which could then lead to poor choices and consequences.
I find deep breathing especially helpful when there are three people needing my attention at one time and none of them are satisfied with the level of attention they are getting. I calmly take a few deep breaths, close my eyes, and then attempt to gain order before moving forward.
TIPS
- You will see results with practice, practice, practice
- Have self compassion (be kind to yourself, give yourself credit for trying)
- Be mindful about what is happening with your emotions in your body without judgement good or bad
- Try different types of breathing patternsFocus on the breathing (with each exhale release your thoughts, which will come, but don’t pursue them
- Release tension in body with each exhale
SET AND FOLLOW A DAILY ROUTINE
I can’t begin to tell you how setting a set schedule or routine has helped me over the years. A set schedule not only provides children with a predictable routine. Children gain a sense of security when they know what to expect from their day. Now if a schedule/routine does all of these things for children it would make sense that it can provide the same for us mommas.
Often we mommas lack balance which can be solved by having a healthy routine. A healthy routine begins with waking and going to bed at a descent time.
If you have a problem with establishing and following a routine make a 21 day (3 weeks) commitment to follow through. If by this time the routine has not stuck as a normal part of your day then try simplifying your routine until it is manageable.
Assess and reassess what is working and what is not working and adjust. Whatever you do keep working toward your goal.
ESCAPE
The best moments of my week are kissing my babies and husband as I walk out the door to fulfill my Target run needs. Don’t judge me mommas. Even if it is to walk the aisles for 30 minute I value this time alone.
Whatever this looks like for you make sure you use the time to be selfish. You can reflect on life or not. Maybe this looks like you taking a calming bath with candles. Free your mind of responsibility of another human being just for a moment. Escape it all and tend to your own needs and wants.
WHAT GIVES YOU PERSONAL JOY…DO THAT REGULARLY!
What gave you joy before family life began? Can you revisit those hobbies or do you have a new joy that you can invest more time. It can be easy to lose yourself in parenting. Make it a goal to find yourself again.
I valued working and being independent prior to being a stay at home momma. I must be honest I miss working, however, my priorities have changed and where I am needed now is with my children. This responsibility has consumed me for two years. I have the itch to begin working on something that gives me personal joy which is part of the motivation for this blog.
What gives you personal joy and how can you seeks this out in the new year?
Parenting Goals: How Do I Get Started ?
What are SMART goals?
Begin working toward better self care and parenting goals.Make a plan with SMART goals in mind. Again, you have to schedule in your me time and be purposeful about it. Start with making time write out your goals.
Sign up for your FREE SMART Goals Sheet.
Parenting Goals: You Are On Your Way
You are not alone in this journey momma. I have had success in all of these areas sporadically in the past, however, without making a conscious effort to incorporate these goals into your daily life nothing will stick or change. Consistency is the key to maintaining new goals.
In order for any other parenting goal to be successful we mommas have to be in an overall healthy state of being. Before moving on to parenting goals 102 you must graduate from parenting 101, even if it is with a C grade. So, before worrying about the kids and husband check in with yourself first.
Your sleep, ability to control stress responses, setting a routine, setting personal time for self, and finding your joy are all foundational skills to making you the best momma you can be. These are parenting goals. Wishing you a happy journey!
